it was gross
I felt limited in my first relationship. Dan was shy, insecure, very introverted but when I had first met him none of these things were apparent to me. I became obsessive about him before I even got to know him. This was not a problem in the beginning but became a problem as I grew myself and saw he was not growing with me.
In high school I had made my decision to go to Rutgers University, his presence at Rutgers intrigued me to go there. I had hoped we would stay together. At least those were my intentions when I committed early my Senior year. I thought it was going to be all I had ever wanted. I had dreamed of going to Rutgers with him since Freshmen year, and it was cazy to see this idea unfolding in reality.
I remember telling Dan when I committed. He was overjoyed and bought me tons of Rutgers apparel for my birthday that January. A sweat shirt that I still wear today as well as leg warmers. We were both so so so excited it had been what we both wanted. I think in both of our minds we thought thats it, we will get married after college. Time had ticked on and I had been seeing him each weekend in New Brunswick, but suddenly whatever I had thought I wanted just a few months ago became something I feared.
I remember him asking me one day, "when you come to Rutgers you'll sleepover a lot right?" At first I had answered and said of course unsure about why I felt in my head that I did not in fact wish to do that. I later ended up asking "well how many days a week do you think you'll like me here." He had answered with, "3 or 4." My heart sunk, as I knew my answer was absolutely not. Thoughts I considered were, why am I paying for my dorm room if I wont be sleeping in it? Is this the type of college experience I want, in his bedroom? Will I meet less people staying at his house all the time? I love the roommate I picked, I wont get to have fun with her at night. This is overbearing. I dont want this. I definitely do not want this.
When I told him I did not think Id be staying there 3 or 4 nights a week, he was hurt. I think he realized then that I was much younger than him with different intentions than he had. I told him "please can we just be present and enjoy our time together now? But I think he had felt like he was waisting his time on a girl who was not set on the steady relationship she was in. And he was right, definitely right.
The break up was HORENDOUS. I was confused up until the day I did it. Teetering on whether I should or shouldn't go through with it. Unfortunately I came to my final decision a little late. The whole year I had been hyping up prom to him telling him how I couldnt wait, it was going to be so much fun. Sheesh, what a big mistake that was. I think it was April he had bought a brand new tux for my Prom. He had told me his high school prom did not go so well, and he was excited to remake his prom night with me. But as prom approached my decision to break up with him was so clear to me. I knew it was not going to be as fun as I hoped, he wouldnt want to swirl me around, show off big dance moves or sing along with me to all the songs. I just knew it was not going to be at all what I wanted. About a week before prom I went to his house in New Brunswick, finals were coming up at Rutgers too which didn't make the situation any better. I had held back breaking up with him for so long since he had asked me about sleeping over his house in the beginning of the year. I never wanted to hurt him. It was an awful experience telling him how I had thought our time together should come to an end. IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES STILL TIL THIS DAY. THERE WAS A LOT OF CRYING AND SADNESS AND IT WAS GROSS.
In high school I had made my decision to go to Rutgers University, his presence at Rutgers intrigued me to go there. I had hoped we would stay together. At least those were my intentions when I committed early my Senior year. I thought it was going to be all I had ever wanted. I had dreamed of going to Rutgers with him since Freshmen year, and it was cazy to see this idea unfolding in reality.
I remember telling Dan when I committed. He was overjoyed and bought me tons of Rutgers apparel for my birthday that January. A sweat shirt that I still wear today as well as leg warmers. We were both so so so excited it had been what we both wanted. I think in both of our minds we thought thats it, we will get married after college. Time had ticked on and I had been seeing him each weekend in New Brunswick, but suddenly whatever I had thought I wanted just a few months ago became something I feared.
I remember him asking me one day, "when you come to Rutgers you'll sleepover a lot right?" At first I had answered and said of course unsure about why I felt in my head that I did not in fact wish to do that. I later ended up asking "well how many days a week do you think you'll like me here." He had answered with, "3 or 4." My heart sunk, as I knew my answer was absolutely not. Thoughts I considered were, why am I paying for my dorm room if I wont be sleeping in it? Is this the type of college experience I want, in his bedroom? Will I meet less people staying at his house all the time? I love the roommate I picked, I wont get to have fun with her at night. This is overbearing. I dont want this. I definitely do not want this.
When I told him I did not think Id be staying there 3 or 4 nights a week, he was hurt. I think he realized then that I was much younger than him with different intentions than he had. I told him "please can we just be present and enjoy our time together now? But I think he had felt like he was waisting his time on a girl who was not set on the steady relationship she was in. And he was right, definitely right.
The break up was HORENDOUS. I was confused up until the day I did it. Teetering on whether I should or shouldn't go through with it. Unfortunately I came to my final decision a little late. The whole year I had been hyping up prom to him telling him how I couldnt wait, it was going to be so much fun. Sheesh, what a big mistake that was. I think it was April he had bought a brand new tux for my Prom. He had told me his high school prom did not go so well, and he was excited to remake his prom night with me. But as prom approached my decision to break up with him was so clear to me. I knew it was not going to be as fun as I hoped, he wouldnt want to swirl me around, show off big dance moves or sing along with me to all the songs. I just knew it was not going to be at all what I wanted. About a week before prom I went to his house in New Brunswick, finals were coming up at Rutgers too which didn't make the situation any better. I had held back breaking up with him for so long since he had asked me about sleeping over his house in the beginning of the year. I never wanted to hurt him. It was an awful experience telling him how I had thought our time together should come to an end. IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES STILL TIL THIS DAY. THERE WAS A LOT OF CRYING AND SADNESS AND IT WAS GROSS.
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